[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
The OKCupid stalker sketch-a-thon support group co's LiveJournal:
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|Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015|
|Friday, November 13th, 2015|
I was creeping through old entries here (it's a slow morning) and this post
reminded me of my own experience from a few years ago.
Many, many years ago - like, 2004 through 2007 - I was a very horny virgin who spent a lot of time reading terrible erotica on the internet. I had a profile at one site so I could leave comments on the stories I enjoyed. I started seeing my boyfriend in 2006, we started living together in early 2007, and now that I was actually having sex I had no further need for erotica. I had updated my status to show that I was in a relationship, and then I just disappeared.
About two years later, boyfriend and I were broken up and I was giving online dating a try. I was on PlentyOfFish and whenever someone didn't really strike my fancy I would do the soft let-down - "You seem nice, but I just started seeing someone I really like and I want to see where things go." My profile also had my AIM (lol remember AIM?) username posted.
I got an IM one day saying something along the lines of "Hi Katie! Are you still attached to someone?" I didn't know who the person was, so I asked, assuming it was someone I'd spoken to on POF. Buuuuuut, no. This man had seen my profile on an erotica site, saw what some of my interests etc were, and wanted to reach out. He saw in my profile that I was 24 and in a relationship, and also saw that I'd been inactive since February 2007. It was September 2009. Totally normal to message someone, right?
But, I was home and bored, messaged back and forth with him a bit and found out that he was a 44-year-old virgin from upstate New York who still lived with his parents. When I pointed out the age difference and the fact that he was only 5 years younger than my mother, he said "Well, I figure someone your age is closer to my experience level than someone my age who already has kids and an ex-husband." His experience level was a 90-second makeout session and a 5 second over-the-shirt boob grab when he was in college. 20+ years earlier. I told him that if he wanted someone at his "experience level," he needed to start checking out the local middle schoolers. He was not a fan of that advice.
I ended up staying in touch with him for a few years after that, just because whenever I was feeling down about life I could remind myself "At least I'm not THAT guy." I haven't heard from him since last winter, but the last time we spoke he had just celebrated his 50th birthday, and was still a virgin living with mom and dad, and still desperately wanted to find a woman to marry and have kids with.
|Wednesday, November 11th, 2015|
How to Respond Like a 30-Year-Old
Since turning 30 I've noticed that I am always busy, always tired, and always grouchy. I'm also self-confident and no longer willing to suffer other people's bullshit. This has clearly reflected itself in my reactions to messages on OKC. Here are two correspondences from today:
Dude: Are you as negative in person as you come across in your profile?I thought for a minute about what he could be referring to. The first several sections of my profile are about what I'm doing with my life and all my hobbies, and I'd argue they read as positive and enthusiastic. Later in my profile in the "most private thing" section I talk about my issues with white social justice activists and how most of them are in this for their ego, not because they actually care about issues. I also make some truth-points in my "message me if" about what I won't respond to, like form messages and one-line shit, and the fact that I don't want to spend weeks texting without ever going on a date, and my requirements, like the fact that I'll only date people who support LGBT rights and who believe in climate change. I guess that having opinions and critical thoughts about the world must make me "negative."
So I responded.
Me: I dunno, are you as whiny, insecure and judgmental as you come across in your message?
Dude: I guess that answers my questionWhat a little fucksauce.
Me: Right. Because if I call you out on your self-righteous, hypocritical bullshit then I guess the problem must be with m e. God forbid women should ahve opinions, standards or enough self-confidence to not take crap from rando asshats on the Internet who think they have the right to critique us like we're objects for their approval.
Dude: How did this become a sex issue? I don't like negative people, the world is shitty enough as it is. My opinion doesn't change whether you have a pee-pee or a hoo-ha.
I was just asking if you were actually a negative person or if it just seemed that way. Sometimes it's hard to get an accurate impression of someone based on their profile. Maybe you just had some shitty experiences with dating and that's why you came across as bitter.
But based on your responses, I'm guessing you are just a negative person.
Me: It's a sex issue because you are responding to the fact that -shock oh no!- I dared to express an honest, forthright critical opinion in my profile. We live in a society that teaches us that women aren't allowed to have critical opinions, let alone to express them strongly. I have no doubt that my being a woman colors your view of whether my strong opinions make me too "negative." Particularly given that my profile is actually quite *positive* - look at all the interests and music I clearly love and am super enthusiastic about.
But I dare to speak some truth about being over it with the hypocritical social activists who are dominating social media these days and to express real standards for the men I'm willing to date, and having a handful of strong opinions on those things somehow makes my profile overwhelmingly negative and reflects that I'm a negative person?
And then you have the audacity to send me a cryptic, one-line okcmail essentially insulting me and my profile and you expect me to respond how exactly? As though I owe you, some random dude on the Internet, an explanation? Do you not realize that, being a woman, I get 20 of these a day? And taht I might be inclined to respond much more positively to people who actually have nice things to say to me? And did it occur to you that several guys have e-mailed me applauding me for being real and forthright in my profile rather than just trying to project some fake image of what I think men want me to be like? And that several among those have commended my critique of social justice activists as being dead-on and articulating exactly how they feel, too?
In conclusion, bitch please. If anyone here needs an attitude adjustment it's you.
Dude: Would you prefer an inappropriate or super cheesy pickup line?
Dude: I mean that's no fun
Me: No. What's fun is having someone get in touch with me about a common interest that I listed on my profile and having an interesting conversation about it. Not some lazy rando from the Internet doing the absolute bare minimumum.
Dude: Wow. Ok. That's fairSo kudos to him for responding that my point was valid. But, uh, if you think it's fair...then where's your response citing a common interest in my profile, bro? I guess he recognized he was only interested in doing the bare minimum, then.
|Friday, October 30th, 2015|
I live in Fairfield County, Connecticut. I had the following conversation today with calmb4storm88
HIM: "Seems everyone in your area is nowhere to be found in 2012, it's so f'n bizarre"
ME : "What are you talking about?" or the likes
HIM: December 2012....you're entire county seems to have no recollection of reality
HIM: Your ^
ME : I am still completely lost. What's so significant about December 2012?
HIM: See what I mean? I'm not being an asshole, I'm being sincere. Newtown, CT 12/14/2012
ME : Okay, but why are you randomly bringing up a school shooting in a completely vague fashion?
HIM: Because even your photos are dated...and you've somehow just skipped over that time frame. What's weird and I know this is all random and confusing and I apologize is: one, lets go with "shooting", two, almost everyone I know from that area thinks it's real, yet knows no one involved, and has essentially a lapse of memory around then. Three, most people that watch news beyond the 6 o'clock CNN propaganda don't believe the story we were sold whatsoever. I worked in that area for awhile and the whole Fairfield Hills/Newtown/Sandy Hook thing is so f'n bizarre and right next to you. Yet it's not even significant to you....
ME : I would like you to please stop messaging me.
In what world is it normal to message someone on a dating site and random bring up conspiracy theories about a school shooting not happening?!
|Monday, October 12th, 2015|
I'm currently in a semi-open long distance relationship, which means I'm back on Tinder and OKCupid. I had the following conversation on Tinder this weekend:
ME : Hello! How are ya?
HIM: Haha tired like an old man. You?
ME : Same, haha. Just got into bed a few minutes ago!
HIM: Friday night bedtime tindering! Haha
ME : Pretty much. It's a sad life, my friend.
HIM: Ha! Could be worse...
HIM: I mean, you could be black XD XD
ME : Um...
ME : Yeah, not really laughing over here
HIM: Aww that's okay!
HIM: You're sensitive of others. I like it.
HIM: You've hit the genetic lottery, enjoy it!
ME : Yeah, wow. This conversation took a really unexpected turn.
HIM: Just playing around.
HIM: I'm the farthest from being a bigot. Just foolin!
ME : Right, because that's an appropriate thing to joke around about with a stranger.
HIM: So what's up Ms. Katie?
HIM: Could have been a rape joke. Just saying...
ME : Aaaaand it just gets worse. Good luck dude.
He replied with an emoji of a slice of bread. I reported and unliked.
|Sunday, September 20th, 2015|
The Newest Creepy Tactic
So a few weeks ago I got a message from a dude along the lines of, "Haven't heard from you since the last time we had sex?" Haha, LOL. Never met this guy before in my life, let alone had sex with him. Obviously the intent is to get me to write back all, "We've never had sex!" so that he can respond, "Well why not?" or "Would you like to?" Whatever. Stupid, ignored.
Then tonight I got the following message from someone that, I swear to you, I have never spoken to before:
"We talked before. Planned to go out but let it slip through the cracks I think."
He sent a second message right after that:
"I remember. Very cute. :)"
I know that this is completely fabricated because, not only do I have no recollection of ever speaking to this guy ever, I find him completely unattractive, and therefore there's no way I would ever have agreed to go out with him. And I certainly don't respond positively to guys who call me cute in that ridiculous, patronizing way.
So obviously the guy's tactic here is to try and bypass all the normal vetting that his targets would normally do by implying that he's already passed through the vetting at a previous time and that it's all just a matter of setting up the date that we were supposed to have gone on already.
It's actually not a stupid tactic. Except for two things: 1) it's evident from my profile that I'm smart - smart enough to figure this shit out, so he's an idiot for targeting me (assuming he even bothers to read profiles - he's probably sent this to 100 other women).
2) What kind of loser woman would want to go on a date with a guy who let things just "slip through the cracks" at some prior point in time?
I just find this really offensive and unsettling. Given the fact that I've had two guys pull this type of con-like, we've met before crap in the past few weeks I'm wondering if somehow it's a tactic that's on the rise. Ladies, be careful.
|Saturday, March 14th, 2015|
|Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015|
"Obviously we've never met, and you're tired of boring/creepy messages, but you seem like cool girl with an awesome attitude to go with, so let's just break the ice and let me find out how amazing your life is.
First, what do you hate the most?
Because good things are obviously overrated... and good messages like this, so hard to come across with."
|Wednesday, January 28th, 2015|
So three days ago, I signed up for Tinder.
I've actually been pleasantly surprised by my interactions so far. Most of the men I've spoken with have been friendly and respectful. I've had a couple decide they weren't interested because I only have two photos, but overall it's been pretty awesome and I have a few dates lined up in the next week.
The only asshat:click for full size
(Obviously, I unmatched after getting that screen shot.)
|Wednesday, January 21st, 2015|
Menage a trois
From xnxnsj: I'll bang you.
My response: Sorry, not interested in your 3 incher.
|Sunday, January 18th, 2015|
|Thursday, January 8th, 2015|
|Tuesday, January 6th, 2015|
While he's at it will he offer to enlarge my penis?
(If you click on the entry you can actually see his ridiculous emoticons).Hello beautiful 😍. How are you doing? I'm just curious. 😇 It's new year 2015. Do you want someone different for a change or do you want to stay single and date all shades of the 🌈 but can't settle down cause guys just want sex and have 1 way minds👎. Seriously. What do you desire to find? I'm one of a few serious good men on god's green earth. I'm straight forward, keep it 💯 and actually want to settle down and live life with 1 woman. Keep it 💯 with me. Do you want to settle down and be with one man or do you enjoy just being used and treated like an average female. If you're on Cupid then you must want a serious man, right? Or wrong? Look forward to a reply from you. Zeid
I especially like this line: "do you enjoy just being used and treated like an average female."
Because that doesn't reek of misogyny.
|Friday, December 26th, 2014|
Two Possibilities, Neither Good
I just got a message that asks only one thing:Can I massage you?
... Um. No.
Even if this is just Engrish, that means he's messaging me to ask if he can message me.
Or he genuinely wants to massage me.
|Monday, December 22nd, 2014|
Woke up to this message...
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2014|
Which of these things is not like the others?
Hello! How are you doing? You're very beautiful, and you seem really fun loving, thoughtful and sweet! What is your name? I'm Enrique. Do you have a big booty? Please feel free to message me back. I would love to chat and get to know you! :)
Hello! How are you doing? You're very beautiful, and you seem really fun loving, thoughtful and sweet! What is your name? I'm Enrique. Do you have a big booty?
Please feel free to message me back. I would love to chat and get to know you! :)
Had to sneak that one in there.
|Sunday, November 30th, 2014|
The Yelp forums return to haunt me
Welp, I just got a weird possibly-hitting-on-me message on Yelp. About drama that started and ended several years ago. So we have to go back that far.
Many moons ago - like 5 or 6 years ago, when I was still living in Boston, I was made Yelp "elite" - as though that means anything. I don't know if any of you know about Yelp's cliquish underbelly, or that it even has one. But elites get together for really awkward mixer events with Hello my name is name tags and sit around pretending like writing lots of Yelp reviews makes them cool or something when really everyone is jut there for free alcohol. I went a total of once because there happened to be free cupcakes (can you really blame me).
But yeah, if you want to see a juvenile snark and troll fest unparalleled anywhere else on the Internet, except perhaps for the comments in the now defunct OKCupid journals themselves, try the Yelp forums. It's not even geekery or Internet fuckery or anything. It's people trolling each other under their REAL NAMES with REAL PHOTOS in circles that might actually cause them to MEET IN PERSON over stupid shit that does not deserve trolling, like not knowing where there's a good Mexican restaurant or something. And there's a definite "I'm not cool anywhere else so I have to be very protective of my status here" vibe...
One of these women would send out private messages to other elites, whom she had never met in person or even really interacted with except for liking each others' restaurant reviews, "welcoming" them, even though she didn't work for Yelp, and she would invite people over to her house.
And i would just be like ... no thank you, woman who gives her address to Internet strangers. But apparently a lot of them really did go hang out. Which tells you something about them...they need friends. Which, you know what, is fine. Really. And if they're forming a little community for themselves through Yelp that's great. But don't suddenly act like a jr. high clique that requires a password for entrance into the tree house, k? Because, if you're going to shine a light on yourselves like that, people are going to come to the truthful conclusion that you're kind of a bunch of losers. People like me.
Anyway, most of my Yelp forum posts, back when I made Yelp forum posts, involved trying to get recommendations for donors and venues for charity things I was organizing, and I would unsurprisingly get little to no response because people on Yelp are assholes. On two, count em two occasions, about a year apart, I wrote forum posts asking about good places to meet men. The first was a request about meeting men generally. The second was a request specifically about places to meet older dudes. I did that because I was really sick of dudes my own age who couldn't wipe their own asses, completely lacked sophistication, defined a night out on the town as binge drinking and expected sex on the first date. And as a 24-year-old my idea of "older dude" was like...32.
I don't view this as a repeat post - repeat posts on the same topic apparently violate some unwritten rule of the Yelp forums as developed by the self-appointed Yelp elite police. I also don't think I was obnoxious or detailed. It was literally just, "Hey where do you go around here to meet older dudes?" I also made a specific point of stating that this wasn't an invitation for guys to proposition me through Yelp (I dunno, maybe that made me seem presumptuous and arrogant, but I've also spent more than 5 minutes on the Internet so I knew this was kind of necessary, and it turns out that yes, yes it was). I may also have mentioned that I had seen a hot older dude at a sorta-club place in Boston, maybe linked to my review of it, where I mentioned (humorously - my Yelp reviews get upvoted precisely because they are intentionally funny, I talk about things like shit goblins) making eye contact with a super hot DILF.
AND HOLY SHIT. That second time half of people responded seriously with legit recommendations. Everyone else jumped on me like prowling hyenas. Some told me I had to get rid of my nose ring because it just screamed that I was immature. Some of them implied that I had psychological problems like daddy issues. Ronnie, the one who would invite random strangers from the Internet over to her house, told me that since I'd written other posts on this topic before I just came off as really desperate. Um. You invite random strangers from the internet to your house.
One chick, Alex, who is (or was at the time or something) apparently self-appointed queen of the Boston Yelp forums, really dug into me. She made a point of stating that in my user photo if I lost ten pounds and plucked my eye brows I'd look like Sacha Grey or however you spell it - not actually an insult, and apparently somewhat accurately since multiple dudes on OKC have messaged me to tell me I look like her. Of course, she's also a porn star. And though it's perhaps true that I look like her and not an insult, it illuminates a bit of where Alex was coming from and why I was getting some of the ire that I was ... one chick who had been mocking me commented or messaged at some point that she had gone to look at my user photos and didn't realize I was so beautiful. Well...how much of this is judging me as some kind of vapid skank or dumb bimbo or whatever? And related to the fact that I mentioned Whiskey Park, which is a wannabe night club that's actually just a big old pile of fail, though I acknowledged all this in my review? They were totally cherry picking...if people were digging through my reviews and my user photos and my past forum posts they should have seen a lot of content that showed I was in law school, involved in charity, and not the stupid little skank they were making me out to be.
Anyway, at some point I was just like, to those of you who are responding in earnest thanks keep it up, the rest of you guys cut it out, if I wanted psychological advice I'd consult a shrink, not Internet strangers. Of course, they didn't, and all the people who were attacking me personally and giving me unsolicited psychological advice just got more offended that, omigod, I wasn't taking them seriously, and it got even nastier. So eventually I was just like you know what, if this is the kind of crap I'm going to get when all I did was ask for bar and restaurant recommendations, I'm not going to follow this thread anymore and will never post to the Yelp forums ever again. And I never have.
But I kept getting private messages. I specifically said in my post, "this is not an invitation for people to hit on me on Yelp." And yet I think I got about 7 propositions by private message, including 2 that were for threesomes with older couples looking for younger women. Then one person eventually private messaged me to let me know that Alex had set up a fake forum post on Yelp making fun of me and told me that I should report them to Yelp and at that time I was like...isn't Alex like 34? Going out of her way to make fun of a 24-year-old on the Internet, who has had the maturity not to engage with her?
At least here at OKClolz we're venting about people doing legitimately nasty, sketchy shit to us and making our online dating attempts miserable, and we've always had a policy of being open to all legitimate posters and not trolling our own members. This Yelp shit made us look like the patron saints of maturity. So I decided not to waste my time and basically forgot about it, except on the rare occasion that I'm ever tempted to post a question to any of the Yelp forums or happen to glance at the old faded elite badges on my Yelp profile. Safe to say, I am no longer Yelp elite. And I'm kind of glad about that because having a Yelp elite badge is kind of like wearing a patch that calls you out as an all time Magic the Gathering master and implying that you the expect mainstream society to swoon.
FAST FORWARD TO LAST WEEK. It has been FIVE YEARS. I get this private message, titled "Older Guys in Boston" - I honestly don't know if it's related to my forum post - which has disappeared from my forum activity on my account profile because it's so old - or to my yelp review of that sorta-club I mentioned, wherein I mostly made fun of
creepy older dudes who had been hitting on me and my friend but mentioned wishing I'd had an opportunity to talk to this one good-looking DILF I'd made eye-contact with before he left:Just saw your older post about meeting older men and boston hangouts. [Club] in Boston is largely oriented towards college kids and heavier drinking. I have been there a few times. Yes, I am older, and i usually need to let the girl make the first move, even if it is eye contact, because of the issue you mentioned. for every girl that likes an older man, there is a girl that wants guys her age. I don't drink and have hardly ever met anyone at a bar. I prefer a place that is less loud, less pressured. Maybe a coffee shop, library, bus stop.. just anywhere in regular life. Looks like you have relocated to DC now. Hopefully it is better there! If you find a good place for younger and older to meet, let me know :)
OK because that's not creepy. This message is completely purposeless as it provides no serious recommendations, so I have to assume it's a pretext just to talk to me because he thinks I'm just all horny for older men and, whaddaya know! HE'S an older man! Meanwhile it's years old so for all he knows I'm married now or something, he knows I've moved, he has no user photo ... Meanwhile he's approaching me in a context in which there is no reason to believe I am open to advances as Yelp is not a dating site, I stated nowhere in my review that I'm looking for randos to message me on Yelp, and I specifically state in my forum post NOT to message me...
I seriously think that people read that forum post and thought I was acting out of some pathological need to date rich 50 year olds or something. And I must be willing to jump on any old dude who even gives me any attention whatsoever because I have daddy issues! So gee, let me message her 5 years after the fact from hundreds of miles away in the desperate hope that a woman in her 20s would be willing to stroke my ego by even speaking to me and that maybe I'll get a 20-something boob pic.
This definitely takes some of the edge off the fact that I'm turning 30 next year.
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2014|
|Friday, November 21st, 2014|
Under my "message me if" section I linked to This amazing video called "Talk Nerdy to Me"
because it is awesome.
So then I get this message from a guy whose username is "papiwantsu" in fucking Ohio (I live in DC/VA):Talk nerdy to me. Lmao blahahaha Laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and i drop my taco
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2014|
Random, dead-end overtures from guys
In the past few weeks I've been going out a lot, including one first-ever attempt at speed dating (!) - actually, speed dating was pretty fun and not even, at least at the one I went to, remotely sketchy and while I don't think anything will come of this round I would consider going again. Actually two things did
come of it - I networked with one of the staffers, who has a day job as an aging services provider and I'm an elder law attorney, and I had a really interesting conversation with someone about actuarial assumptions re: the gender gap in life expectancy and he sent me a useful Economist article. Huzzah.
But I bring this up because in the past 2 weeks I have given my phone number to like 5 different guys. One of them I made out with at a bar (I'm classy like that).
Then on Saturday I got a message from a dude with whom I had "mutually liked" (nobody actually sends messages anymore, have you noticed?) saying, "If you aren't busy today, you should come get a drink with me later." Well, I had already decided he was cute, and I like drinks, and I appreciate the proactive overture, so I wrote back something along the lines of, "I'm on my way out the door to run errands but we could grab drinks later, so text me here's my number. Or if you want to keep it super casual we can grab coffee in this neighborhood I'm going to run errands in."
I never heard from him, whether by okcmail or by text or otherwise.
WTF? It's possible he sent that message to 100 women and had already set up a date with someone else. But still. He essentially blew me off, and if that date didn't work out he has now spoiled his chances with me. Alternatively, he's a giant flake and/or pussy whose bark is 100% larger than his non-existant dick...I mean bite.
Meanwhile, I have heard from none but one of the 5 men to whom I have given my number in person. And the one? He texted me at 1:15 this morning from a number I did not recognize, completely failed to say who he was, and said, "Well it was nice meeting you the other night!"
That's so helpful. So I texted back, "Hi, who is this?" and it is now almost 3 PM and I have no response. There was one guy I was really hoping to hear from, and maybe it's him, but honestly if you can't master basic communication skills - like SAYING WHO THE HELL YOU ARE WHEN YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER - then that does not bode well for the rest of the relationship.
And what is with the other guys never calling me? Make-out guy was 2 weeks ago. He was clearly into me, thus the making out bit. He asked for my number without prompting. He clearly knows I'm interested, seeing as how we MADE OUT for like half an hour and I gave him my freakin number.
What the hell? Seriously, it's an ego and power thing, and I really don't like being some object they're exploiting to feel good about themselves. I'm interested in going on an honest-to-goodness, well-intended, maybe-something-will-come-of-this date. When I give someone my number or say we should go out, I actually mean it. Am I an alien or something? No, I think, just a better breed of human.